So where do we begin.
Henry Nouen said, "The first step in
establishing spirituality is to establish a relationship with oneself[1]."
Intimacy is difficult because we expect it and
want it right away. We seek instant
intimacy. Sex, the best worst example of instant
intimacy, can be the “instant
gratification" for intimacy-seeking souls. Sex, courtship and infatuation all contain
elements of feeling intimate, but they are not intimacy. Too much, too soon, too fast, too hard can
damage the possibilities of intimacy.
Intimacy
is the result of a sharing and caring friendship built between people. It is the feeling in a relationship that
promotes closeness, ‘bondedness’ and ‘connectedness' without enmeshment. For someone who has spent their life
struggling in enmeshed relationships intimacy is difficult to recognize. Intimacy is not the focusing on each other,
or having sex or fighting with each other. Rather it is a growing - side by
side - facing the same direction, facing the problems life has thrown in the
way, sharing the world within and sharing the world without, and most
importantly, it is the building of a history of experience, one on top of the
other and allowing that sharing to cause or create an awareness - together.
The key word in the whole process is with.
With a sponsor, with a friend, with my spouse,
with someone who actually cares for me, not just for who they need me to be,
but for who I am, and me returning that thought by caring for them just as they
are, and not as I need them to be. Oh yes, there is instant sex, instant
relationship, instant hot chocolate, but rarely instant intimacy.
Intimacy
comes when we are pointed in a healthy direction, when we have a clear identity
of who we think we are and are happy with that thought, when we endeavor to
live a life of balance, when we are open to trust, and when we are willing to
experience our own pain and fears and ultimately when we know, love and accept
self.
1) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy
Intimacy is difficult because we
expect it and want it right away. Most
of us seek instant intimacy. Sex, the best/worst example of instant
intimacy, is the ‘instant gratification’ for intimacy-seeking souls. It is thought to be the elixir of life, that
magic potion that will mood-alter us into unimagined ports of call and
happiness and well being.
Too bad it doesn’t work that way.
2) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy
Sex, courtship and infatuation all contain elements of
feeling intimate, but they are not intimacy and they are not magical and they,
in and of themselves will not provide either happiness or a sense of well
being. Some folks don’t know this and
some do, but refuse to want to believe that it might be true.
3) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy
Too much, too soon, too fast, too inflexible, too
demanding can damage the possibilities of intimacy.
4) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy
Intimacy is the result of a sharing and caring
friendship built between people. It is
the feeling in a relationship that promotes closeness, bondedness and connectedness
without enmeshment. For someone who has
spent their lifetime struggling in enmeshed relationships, intimacy is very
difficult to recognize.
5) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy
Life’s
conundrum is: I know what I know and I don’t know what I don’t know and never
the twain shall meet. Healing requires that those two places need to go bump
together. The resulting mixture created
by the splash as these two places go bump develops the new recipe for the
cosmic soup that hopefully gains enlightenment for the searcher.
6) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy
That
going bump business is risk taking, and it is always difficult, and often
somewhat scary. Just the way it is
supposed to be.
7) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy
For
instance, we know that intimacy is not the focusing on each other, or having
sex or fighting with each other or being joined at the hip, etc. But rather it
is a growing ¾ side by side.
Facing the same direction, facing the problems life has thrown in the
way, sharing the world within and sharing the world without. Most importantly,
it is the building of a history of experience, one on top of the other and
allowing that sharing to cause or create a deeper awareness of each other and
of the self ¾ together.
8) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy
The outer
appearance of closeness is a direct result of the inner experience of closeness
and it can’t happen the other way around
9) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy
The key word in the whole process of discovering
intimacy is discovering the magic of ‘with’.
With a sponsor, with a friend, with my spouse, with someone who actually
cares for me, not just for who they need me to be, although sometimes that is
how it is, but mostly for who I am. Me
returning that same thought by caring for them just as they are, and not just
as I need them to be, although sometimes, I will, by my very nature, simply get
lost in the process of being me.
10) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy
Exploring being human with
another lost explorer. Often referred to as marriage or a relationship.
11) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy
There will be days when I will notice that ‘our world’
is not the perfect place I expect it to be.
You or I will probably notice at some point that our ‘with’ partners may
be lost in their own neediness and or that we are lost too. Remember that it’s
OK to be lost. But if you are on ‘the
path’, then integrity demands that when you finally notice that you are lost,
you begin to exercise choice and ask for directions out.
12) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy
Do I stay there lost in my neediness or do I get on with
what seems to be next and what needs to be done?
13) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy
There is instant sex, instant relationships, instant hot
chocolate, but rarely instant intimacy.
Intimacy comes when we are pointed in a healthy direction, when we have
a clear identity of who we think we are and are happy with that thought, when
we endeavor to live a life of balance, when we are open to trust, and when we
are willing to experience our own pain and fears and ultimately when we know,
love and accept self.
Imagine that, risking being with the
one I want to be with.
14) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy
Every Problem is a spiritual problem, and every solution
is a spiritual solution.
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