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To Journal is to begin to explore our creativity by telling our story
either directly or indirectly¾first to ourselves. If you are
anything like me my story was unbelievable to me for the longest time, and not
until I wrote it out in all its many flavors, twists and turns could I come to
terms with the various dimensions of it. It was full of places and things I had
diminished and underscored and flatly refused to believe or even consider as
dirty laundry or unnecessary baggage.
But I began to see me for who I was, not what I had done and more
importantly not for what had happened to me.
The
process of journal keeping is the telling of our story as it occurs. It is current with the here and now. It is also a record of us, of our life and
times, our thoughts, activities and occurrences, so we can begin to see just
how we perceive things. Maybe come to notice the tint of our own rose colored
glasses.
To
make journaling a part of recovery keeps us focused on us. Most of us are well
trained to focus on everything other then ourselves. Now it is time to turn the
tables and come to learn about somebody we would dearly want to come to learn
to love.
Focusing
on us is the secret ingredient that helps us build an identity. Journal writing
gives us insights into our motivations and our deeper and sometimes darker
drives. It is the telling of a story but
in terms of the scripts or patterns, whether functional or dysfunctional. It describes both the contents and the
container and if you are really paying close attention to the process you might
begin to notice the third and most important element, ‘the point of
observation’ or how it is that I choose to look at something. Sometimes called ‘my point of view’ by those
who are rushing past this place in their psyche and are hoping not to notice
too much too soon.
Keeping a journal is also a record of your recovery, a chronicle of both
your exploration and your growth. Know
that exploration and growth are separate. Many don’t know that and they make
assumptions about what they are doing and what they think they are
accomplishing based purely on their own interpretation of how and what they
think they have done in the exploration department. So many obstacles here with
Ego, simply note them and carry on.
Many
of us have the knack of looking at life and seeing its problems and knowing
that these problems need to be solved¾the problem is on the grander scale we assume ‘solved’ by us. It is the ‘but how do we do
it’ that keeps most of us baffled for most of our
lives. Many of us should begin to ask ‘am I the one who should be doing this’,
instead of ‘but how . . . ’.
It’s a
fact; we can get so caught up in us depending upon ourselves, that we become
lost in the very process we are attempting to find relief in. We stall and begin to think that we haven't
done what we have etc … basically beat ourselves up for not accomplishing X, Y
or Z. Which, by the way, is simply an
old pattern we picked up someplace along the route.
The
journal permits us to develop safe hindsight¾periodic looks over the shoulder into and from
whence we came. Nice to know where
the landmines were and if we are paying close attention, might be an indicator
where the next bunch might be.
Oh yes, this stuff has a slippery slope and the process of backsliding is
ever-present. Most of us have slid a time or two. But one of the major functions of the journal
is to provide a record as we move along a progression of experiences towards a
place of self-care and our true identity.
Sometimes it helps to share parts of your journal, this can be helpful
but it isn’t necessary. However, it is
fundamental to know that the journal is reserved for just you and no one else. No outside influences to peaking over your
shoulder, because when we are writing only for ourselves we tend not to edit to
impress others. But if there is that
over the shoulder pressure of ‘what will they think’ then I will curb my thoughts to conform to how I imagine ‘they’ want me to think or say or remember.
Remember
No People Pleasing
This is just for you and you can share if you want¾only if you want to.
What I always found helpful for me was to share my conclusions or the
insights gained. The results of ‘seeing into my blind spots’
rather then the contents of my blind spots.
Blind
Spots[1]
Working the journal creates the opportunity to begin to notice the
following:
1.
We, have blind spots in our psyche;
2.
There is something hiding in those blind spots;
3.
And whatever is in those blind spots may be a
major contributing factor to our experiencing life as unpleasant.
So if it is true that the hidden demons are running the show, then it
extends naturally to the assumption that any or all hope of change and/or
recovery is lost on my own unhealthy dependence upon what I know. Here I
am back to me being my own worst enemy no matter how hard I try. That is what I learned at The Valley[2]. I learned that I was my own worst enemy no
matter how hard I tried and no matter how hard I wanted to change, I defeated
myself with great regularity. Thus the
short sermon on the previous page about how if you are depending on you to get
you out of this you are in trouble big time.
If you or I cannot see into our own blind spot(s), it follows that we
cannot see the real monster(s) that control our lives.
Journals can include anything you think is relevant or anything that
comes off the top of your head, at anytime, your writing, drawings, questions,
feelings, doodling, fantasies, ideas and lists. It is not homework, although most of us start
there, it is you finally giving freedom to your own natural creativity to get
busy and start creating.
Imagine that you are in the process of discovering you.
Journal
writing forces us to face ourselves; to look at our selections, clarify
feelings, our thoughts and ideas. It
brings us to the point where we can examine our choices and create options; it
is the beginning of us building an intimate relationship … you with you … a conversation that leads to increased
awareness. Our journal becomes a
reflection of our thought talk.
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