Tuesday, November 21, 2017

42 On Appreciating - Surrender


EXPERIENCE has taught us that surrender is about overcoming the fears that drive us. 
Surrender is about taking action in spite of the fear.
The worrisome trick to the whole thing seems to be reassuring ourselves that we have chosen the right place to do the surrendering.
Trying to be in the right place or at the right time keeps many of us on the fence for years, if not for a lifetime. 
Risk is about not being totally sure or not knowing the answer, but then doing something anyway, something we could trust might, if we took that risk, take us towards a place called healthy.


Always Error On The Side Of Activity.


Experience Has Taught Us – 175 Missing Pieces –

An Explorer’s Guide to Developing a Handbook on Life

Available ... Amazon.ca as eBook

 

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

On Intimacy

So where do we begin. 
Henry Nouen said, "The first step in establishing spirituality is to establish a relationship with oneself[1]."
Intimacy is difficult because we expect it and want it right away.  We seek instant intimacy.  Sex, the best worst example of instant intimacy, can be the “instant gratification" for intimacy-seeking souls.  Sex, courtship and infatuation all contain elements of feeling intimate, but they are not intimacy.  Too much, too soon, too fast, too hard can damage the possibilities of intimacy. 
Intimacy is the result of a sharing and caring friendship built between people.  It is the feeling in a relationship that promotes closeness, ‘bondedness’ and ‘connected­ness' without enmeshment.  For someone who has spent their life struggling in enmeshed relationships intimacy is difficult to recognize.  Intimacy is not the focusing on each other, or having sex or fighting with each other. Rather it is a growing - side by side - facing the same direction, facing the problems life has thrown in the way, sharing the world within and sharing the world without, and most importantly, it is the building of a history of experience, one on top of the other and allowing that sharing to cause or create an awareness - together.
The key word in the whole process is with. 
With a sponsor, with a friend, with my spouse, with someone who actually cares for me, not just for who they need me to be, but for who I am, and me returning that thought by caring for them just as they are, and not as I need them to be. Oh yes, there is instant sex, instant relation­ship, instant hot chocolate, but rarely instant intimacy. 
Intimacy comes when we are pointed in a healthy direction, when we have a clear identity of who we think we are and are happy with that thought, when we endeavor to live a life of balance, when we are open to trust, and when we are willing to experience our own pain and fears and ultimately when we know, love and accept self. 

1)    On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy  
Intimacy is difficult because we expect it and want it right away.  Most of us seek instant intimacy.  Sex, the best/worst example of instant intimacy, is the ‘instant gratification’ for intimacy-seeking souls.  It is thought to be the elixir of life, that magic potion that will mood-alter us into unimagined ports of call and happiness and well being. 
Too bad it doesn’t work that way.
2)    On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy  
Sex, courtship and infatuation all contain elements of feeling intimate, but they are not intimacy and they are not magical and they, in and of themselves will not provide either happiness or a sense of well being.  Some folks don’t know this and some do, but refuse to want to believe that it might be true.
3)    On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy  
Too much, too soon, too fast, too inflexible, too demanding can damage the possibilities of intimacy.
4)    On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy  
Intimacy is the result of a sharing and caring friendship built between people.  It is the feeling in a relationship that promotes closeness, bondedness and connected­ness without enmeshment.  For someone who has spent their lifetime struggling in enmeshed relationships, intimacy is very difficult to recognize. 
5)    On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy  
Life’s conundrum is: I know what I know and I don’t know what I don’t know and never the twain shall meet. Healing requires that those two places need to go bump together.  The resulting mixture created by the splash as these two places go bump develops the new recipe for the cosmic soup that hopefully gains enlightenment for the searcher.
6)    On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy  
That going bump business is risk taking, and it is always difficult, and often somewhat scary.  Just the way it is supposed to be.
7)    On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy  
For instance, we know that intimacy is not the focusing on each other, or having sex or fighting with each other or being joined at the hip, etc. But rather it is a growing ¾ side by side.  Facing the same direction, facing the problems life has thrown in the way, sharing the world within and sharing the world without. Most importantly, it is the building of a history of experience, one on top of the other and allowing that sharing to cause or create a deeper awareness of each other and of the self ¾ together.
8)    On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy  
The outer appearance of closeness is a direct result of the inner experience of closeness and it can’t happen the other way around
9)    On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy  
The key word in the whole process of discovering intimacy is discovering the magic of ‘with’.  With a sponsor, with a friend, with my spouse, with someone who actually cares for me, not just for who they need me to be, although sometimes that is how it is, but mostly for who I am.  Me returning that same thought by caring for them just as they are, and not just as I need them to be, although sometimes, I will, by my very nature, simply get lost in the process of being me. 
10) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy  
Exploring being human with another lost explorer. Often referred to as marriage or a relationship.
11) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy  
There will be days when I will notice that ‘our world’ is not the perfect place I expect it to be.  You or I will probably notice at some point that our ‘with’ partners may be lost in their own neediness and or that we are lost too. Remember that it’s OK to be lost.  But if you are on ‘the path’, then integrity demands that when you finally notice that you are lost, you begin to exercise choice and ask for directions out.
12) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy  
Do I stay there lost in my neediness or do I get on with what seems to be next and what needs to be done?
13) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy  
There is instant sex, instant relationships, instant hot chocolate, but rarely instant intimacy.  Intimacy comes when we are pointed in a healthy direction, when we have a clear identity of who we think we are and are happy with that thought, when we endeavor to live a life of balance, when we are open to trust, and when we are willing to experience our own pain and fears and ultimately when we know, love and accept self. 
Imagine that, risking being with the one I want to be with.
14) On Appreciating Deeper Processes ¾ On Intimacy  
Every Problem is a spiritual problem, and every solution is a spiritual solution.






[1] Terry Kellogg quotes Nouen in Broken Toys Broken Dreams.